Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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