im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
