I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
