Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
