I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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