Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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