ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
