I think I am morally bankrupt
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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