i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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