I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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