i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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