if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize