I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
