i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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