You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
