gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
