i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
