so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
