Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
