my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
