I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize