I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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