she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
