no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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