Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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