you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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