You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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