dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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