How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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