I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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