I am puke
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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