Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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