He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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