I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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