You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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