She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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