Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
