That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
