Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
