I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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