you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
