i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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