Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize