Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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