so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
