Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
