i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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