I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
