hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize