Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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