Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
