I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm just crazy horny about you
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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