I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i think i just lost a toe
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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