She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
