Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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