No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
