Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
