I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
