the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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