I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
