he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
