it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
