I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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