Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
