I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
