Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
