alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I could make wine with my vomit
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
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