I could make wine with my vomit
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
