she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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