Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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