There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
