my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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