it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
