she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
